Sweet, Gentle Goodnight

Imagine this little boy, just three years old, snuggled in his bed under a poof of down comforter, his face nuzzling into his soft stuffed puppy. Now imagine his tired mother, nearly forty-three years old, weary from a day of discipline, snowball fights, a million repeats of "no, don't touch that", silly dancing, and cleaning pee puddles. She kneels beside his bed to tuck him in and, teasing, flops her head down to use his belly for a pillow. He laughs and begins to play with her hair. Soft, gentle touch, stroking her hair, undoubtedly creating a style fit for a beauty salon book, sweetly caressing her aching head, and rubbing away the stresses of the day. When she finally kisses and hugs him goodnight, he doesn't want to let go.

Let me never be too busy, too unaware, too unthinking for the grace of such moments.

Pie and Decluttering

Last Thursday was March 14 or, as I like to call it, 3.14. It's also known as Pi Day and here in the Lipsey household we decided to make it Pie Day. We held our first annual Pi(e)Palooza in celebration of the holiday and of Miles' third birthday on the 15th.

I think I baked more pies last week than I've baked in my whole life put together.

Three chicken pies, two lamb shepherds' pies, 19 personal-size tomato pies, 24 mini quiches, four triple-berry pies, two apple pies, 60 mini chocolate mousse pies, one pan of chicken with dumplings, and one huge papier mache cherry pie~nata. Whew. Grace helped peel/core/slice the apples and paint the crust on the pinata, Vic helped make and roll out crusts, and everyone helped sample the chocolate mousse. The Palooza was a big success!

And the lingering ramifications? A second annual Pi(e)Palooza is eagerly anticipated, our family has eaten pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past three days, and I crashed on the couch all day Friday and took naps all weekend. Now that we're into a new week, I can stop thinking and dreaming about pastry and move on to a new stream of thought.

Spring cleaning. Or to be more accurate, cleaning. We have lived in this house for nearly four years and there are boxes which haven't been opened yet. There are few pictures on the walls, few designated homes for items, and few open flat surfaces.

If you've known me for a while, you know that dirt and disorganization make me feel crazy inside. So there's been a niggling ball of crazy hanging out just under the surface for the past several years. It's not that I haven't made any effort at cleaning, organizing, decorating, etc. It's just that life with two little ones has made sustaining any effort difficult and things return to chaos within days if not hours. And how will this spring's cleaning be different? Maybe it won't, but it's a necessary effort if I'm to live life thoughtfully. And why is that? All of the thoughtful things I long to do and be require mental space, margin on the busy pages of life, free time for creative thinking.

In the past, I've tried to think of ways to attack the whole mess at once. That's how I'd prefer to work -- choose a week and work until everything's done. It's simply not an option right now, so I'm going to try something different. I'm going to work in one area or room of the house until it's clean, organized, and decorated. Not as immediately satisfying, but perhaps slow, steady progress will be the secret to actually finishing the task. I also think the project will require a second round, revisiting each space to reevaluate based on how the other rooms have turned out. Yep, a long process indeed. But I'm hopeful that seeing little bits of progress will be encouraging. With that in mind, here is a list of the spaces I've outlined for our home:

• kitchen
• dining room
• living room
• guest bath
• entry way
• stair closet
• desk area
• guest room
• kids room
• master bedroom
• kids bath
• master bath
• master closet
• laundry closet
• porch
• front yard
• side yard
• patio
• back yard
• garden
• garage

Yikes, long list, I know. But the divisions seem logical, and the total is still only 1500 square feet. Probably Goodwill, Home Depot, local thrift stores, Target, and IKEA should be prepared to see me a fair bit over the next six months. And anyone who comes to visit should be prepared for a bit of a mess in one room or another.

Any suggestions on which space to tackle first? The easy ones or the tougher ones that would have an impact every day?

Aaaaaaah!

If only I actually had time to think, to slow down enough to be aware, to focus enough to be intentional.

It has been a crazy last week, month, year, five years. I am not living thoughtfully in many of the ways I would like, although I think about blogging here several times a week and writing down the craziness often increases my level of thoughtfulness. Perhaps it's time to start attacking that feeling of life and its important moments flying by on two different fronts: trying to reduce insanity AND trying to pause, despite the insanity, to smell the roses.

Even in those two ideas I see so much trying that it exhausts me to consider any plans of attack. How thankful I am that God does not expect me to accomplish anything worthwhile on my own. And yet I have never really grasped how to let go of trying. I like to try. I like to succeed. Hmm, apparently I am going to need his help even to do the work of letting go.

Now that is some serious craziness.

Weariness

How do I live life thoughtfully when I'm weary? Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm finding it tough. When I'm tired, my mental focus slips just out of reach. Situations and decisions feel overwhelming and take more energy than I might have at that moment.

I'm amazed by the difference some small or seemingly insignificant choices can make. For example, pulling myself together for the day rather than defaulting to sweats and slippers. Sitting down for five minutes with a cup of cocoa and looking out the window instead of focusing on the mess of toys/books/etc at my feet. Napping during quiet time and setting aside the twenty things I think I should accomplish with those free minutes. Taking two seconds early in the day to decide what's for dinner. Calling a friend rather than sending a text. Running. I'd love to say spending time with the Lord, but that's often beyond my mushy brain's power, at least in any kind of significant way.

Living thoughtfully seems to involve being aware first. Obviously. I can't consider someone or something if I haven't observed and paid attention. And awareness is impossible if I'm focused on myself. When I feel weary, it's easy to turn inward but that quickly becomes living selfishly. So for today, when I am tired, my small choice that I hope will make a difference is looking outward and simply observing...

• Vic looks far too handsome in blue.
• Grace can do so many things by herself now.
• Miles is snuggly when he has a cold.
• Our enameled cast iron dutch oven makes me smile.
• The yard is green and hasn't had to be mowed in months.
• The dining room table is the one spot in the house that actually stays clear and clean.
• It's really chilly in the house today and I'm the only one wearing a sweater.
• The "Grandmom & Grandad are coming" paper chain is getting shorter.
• I need a nap.

I Love Puzzles

The before and after (about six hours after) of an activity that uses my brain and yet takes no actual thought. This was a fun diversion. And now I must return to the task list at hand...

Fridate

Vic and I have a tradition since the kids were born. We may not get out for a date as often as we might like, but Friday night is date night at home. We tuck the kids in, serve up ice cream or popcorn (or both), and watch a movie together. It's a tradition I count on and am really thankful for each week.

It's easy to take a tradition for granted or to get into a rut of routine, so lately I've been trying to put a little bit of thought into it. It's amazing how much more I appreciate this time with Vic when I think about it during the day, plan a movie or board game, bake something yummy for dessert, etc.

We recommend Fridates!

Weighty Thoughts

I'm trying to get a school application filled out and dropped off by tomorrow. Name? Address? Other bits of personal info? No problem. It's the second, third, and fourth pages that are bogging me down.

In my daily life, I just don't spend time thinking about academic philosophy. If I am able to spend some time reading scripture or praying, that's a great day spiritually speaking -- pondering theology is beyond the reach of my day-to-day brain power. I know the value of stepping back to take a more objective look at how Grace and Miles are doing and what we might need to be working on with them, but glory be if I actually do it more than once every month or two. So yeah, answering questions about the value of homework, the importance of reading, the role of parents in education, Calvinism vs Armenianism, the sovereignty of God, church involvement, Grace's academic and character strengths and weaknesses, and why we want her to attend their school? Too much thinking for me right now.

Thankfully, I'm married to a good thinker. Vic and I will attack the application tonight and hopefully it will represent us as a family, and Grace as a student, well.

Thoughtful Eating

I've been wondering if I need to change my diet. With training for triathlons and trying to help my body recover as quickly as possible between workouts, it seems like a good idea to at least consider what role nutrition may need to play. More fruits and veggies would definitely be good. Consuming protein in small bits throughout the day instead of all in one big chunk at dinner. Less sugar. Staying well hydrated. I actually heard of one athlete who switched to salads for breakfast to avoid the heavy, logy feeling that traditional American breakfast foods can cause. A big bowl of spinach first thing in the morning is not a leap I'm ready to make, but eating Rice Chex with raisins and milk every day may not be serving me well either. I just want to eat things that are yummy and help me reach my goals. So I'm going to have to start researching and thinking about my diet.

Slowing Down On Purpose

I can't think when I'm busy. Some people find a certain kind of clarity when they're under a deadline. I always imagine it must be like Neo in The Matrix, seeing bullets and fast-flying kicks in extreme slow motion and being able to choose his response in plenty of time. Not me. The crazier things get the more I want to shut everything down so I can think and focus.

Today I made a conscious choice to sit quietly during the kids' quiet time with no distractions but a ball of eggplant purple yarn and a crochet hook. I'm usually so thankful for some time sans kids that I'm madly multitasking in an attempt to accomplish my to-do list. But today I sat, counting stitches, thinking about the last week or two, contemplating options for Grace's schooling next year, praying for friends, visualizing next summer's garden, and letting my mind rest.

For me, living life thoughtfully involves a fair amount of choosing to do nothing. (Not even washing windows covered in little finger, nose, and lip prints.)

The Little Things

I'm amazed by how often I forget that the little things are what make people feel special. Like when Mommy takes two extra minutes to make bananas, raisins, and peanut butter into fun bites.

Swimming Wears Me Out

Having been a less-than-athletically inclined person most of my life, I find that my recent jump into triathlon is testing my limits in more ways than I'd anticipated.

(My athletic experience prior to the last few years was limited to a few years on a little girls' soccer team -- I played fullback, not because I was great at the position, but probably because it was where I could do the least harm to the team's chances -- and a few years of figure skating in college. There was no hope of my being the next Olympic medalist, but I loved it and had a good coach. Oh, and there was that brief dip into the world of aerobics in the early 80s, from which the only lasting result was that visions of women in leg warmers doing leg lifts pop into my head whenever I hear Prince's "1999".)

I'm not good with nebulous goals. When Vic and I chatted one night, during our first year of marriage, about wanting to get in better shape, I knew I'd need a specific goal to work toward. The "getting in better shape" would have to be an unavoidable side benefit to pursuing the main goal. So doing a short triathlon seemed like a good idea. At the time, of course, we had no children and I was working four days a week. Plenty of time and energy for training.

Fast forward to today. I'm training for a half Ironman. My beyond-full-time job is raising two preschoolers, managing a home, and being a godly wife to my wonderful husband. Very little time or energy for training. It's true that if I'm mentally tired from wrangling the kids all day going for a run or heading to the garage to bike can actually be refreshing. What I wasn't expecting is that being physically tired from exercise can cause my brain to cease functioning. This morning I took the kids to preschool and went to the gym to swim. A mile and an hour later, I hopped back in the van, picked up the kids, and took them home for lunch. By the time lunch was over and their nap/quiet time had begun, I could barely think straight. This post has taken a ridiculously long time to compose because my mind simply won't string thoughts together.

No big conclusions here, I guess -- just an observation. I probably shouldn't do a hard workout before needing to appear a relatively competent and coherent adult.

Or Else Not So Thoughtfully

Today was a day that simply washed over and past me. The craziness of life as a mom of two preschoolers did me in. There was arguing, whining, disobeying, spanking, making of disastrous messes, and far too often saying, "I'm going to lose my mind."

But as I sit now in the relative quiet, thinking back over the day, I find that there were some light moments too. A healthy, tasty lunch was made and placed on the table before the kids got too hungry. A simple cutting-out project for Grace's preschool class got completed. Miles offered an unprompted, heartfelt, "Thanks, Mom, for washing my construction ape jammies." I had a brief moment of clarity to think about and pray for a friend who's facing some uncertain health issues. Both kids are freshly bathed, cozy in their beds. And there was an all-too-short half-hour snooze on the couch this afternoon to try to recharge.

I'm thankful that even a completely insane day can have some sweetness mixed in too.

Sunday Thoughts

I seem to be running into a recurring theme lately in various aspects of my life. That recurring has been good, true, challenging, addressing an area that needs change, encouraging, and tough.

Control.

To paraphrase an idea from the sermon this morning, I don't want to be king of everything and everyone. Most days I'd settle for being the king of me. But even that is too much for me to manage.

The Intersection of Priorities and Pinterest

Being a famous list-maker, I find myself often in the situation where the sheer number or size of my unfinished projects makes me a little dizzy. I'm reminded of a quote my mom used to have in the kitchen -- something like "We each have a certain number of things to accomplish in our lives. Right now I am so far behind I will never die." Instead of diving in and tackling the next thing on the list, it can be easier to make lists, plan, organize, think about the project, talk to people about their ideas for the project, etc. The recipe for not getting things done is usually one part busyness, one part other priorities, one part overwhelmed-ness, and at least five parts procrastination.

Thanks to the internet, I now have a new way to put off till tomorrow. It's called Pinterest and it is solely responsible for eating up millions of man-hours nationwide. (To be more accurate, I should say woman-hours because apparently most men don't really get the point of Pinterest.) If you have an account and visit the site at all frequently, you know what I mean. It's so easy to see a fun idea there, then click over to another and another and another and another.... until suddenly it's midnight and if you had started on the first idea when you saw it, you'd be done by now instead of having a pin board full of ideas you'll probably never try and the very real possibility of a tired headache from staying up too late. (In moderation, Pinterest is an amazing, useful, and fun website -- I recommend it.)

If I'm going to live thoughtfully, my time will need to be spent more intentionally. The projects, the busyness, the list-making, and yes, even the Pinterest moments.

What I Read (January 4 edition)

As the kids are getting older, and we hit the library more and more often, I often have a craving to read some grown-up books. Ten times through The Cat in the Hat will do that to anyone, but I've always loved reading and have missed it the last few years.

A good story pulls me in every time, and one of my favorite moments in life is when a line from a great bit of fiction hits home for me and I learn something that wriggles down into my thoughts and stays in my memory far beyond the plot of the novel.

In recent years I've also learned to enjoy a certain amount of nonfiction. If the subject matter is too heavy or requires a long pause at the end of every sentence to analyze and digest what I've just been told, it starts to feel like the same kind of lesson that whispers to me in fiction is being shouted at me in every line. Amazing truth, often, but an overload for my already-whirling brain. So I don't delve into much of the weighty stuff -- just a little bit once in a while.

Biographies and autobiographies, however, have become a growing part of my library checkout stack. Interesting, helpful, inspiring. The lives of others make for fascinating stories. (I am, in fact, of the opinion that a good listener can find an amazing story in the life of almost anyone, as inane as their life may appear on the surface.) As I am beginning to train now for the triathlons I'll participate in this summer, I found inspiration and helpful information in these two books:

You Are an Ironman
by Jacques Steinberg
How six weekend warriors chased their dream of finishing the world's toughest triathlon

Marathon Woman

by Kathrine Switzer

The story of one woman who broke through the gender barrier in the sport of running

Watching My Girlie Learn

It is beyond fun to see Grace learning and growing. (Not that Miles isn't, but they both seem to go through learning "spurts" and Grace is in one right now.)  She has become a voracious reader, of books designed for kids her age, of notes, emails, and texts I write, of signs and readerboards, of websites, of ads and coupons that come in the mail, and of my NIV Bible. She has begun to write notes, lists, and stories of her own, for now in all upper-case letters but increasingly dotted with lower-case as well. She can count, add, and skip-count by 2s, 5s, and 10s. And her coloring stays inside the lines a bit more with each passing week. She also loves to dance, sing at the top of her lungs, run laps around the house, and try baking original recipes.

Yep, so much fun to watch.

These learning spurts are definitely moments for me to observe life happening right before my eyes. That little baby girl who cooed became a toddler who chatted and recognized letters. That toddler became a preschooler who talks, sings, and reads non-stop. Who will she become next?

The answer to that question lies in God's hands. If I am living life thoughtfully, I want to make sure I'm noticing her growth, finding ways to encourage her learning, and asking questions that make her think, but ultimately leaving the results up to God. He has given Grace to Vic and me to raise as best we can; in the end, though,she is His child.

Saying Thank You

Today I'm taking a few minutes to say thank you to others who showed such thoughtfulness at Christmas.

Welcome to 2013

New years seem so fresh and clean. I always want to begin all sorts of new projects, resolve all sorts of wonderful things, and jump in with abandon. About eleven hours in, I am faced with the stark reality that only the calendar is under the impression that something new has begun. I am still me, my life is still what it was when I went to sleep last night. And there's a comforting familiarity in that sameness. My loving husband and kids are here, my cozy (though messy) home still stands, my love of reading, triathlons, and cookies hasn't changed, and my Savior's grace will never falter.

So why make resolutions? Why try to change things that are wonderful and comfortable and working? For me, it has to do with the proverbial balance between having roots and wings. Roots are the foundations, routines, traditions, rituals, relationships that I count on. Wings are the flights of fancy, imagination, floating on new breezes, trying new adventures or perhaps literal new places. We all fall somewhere on the spectrum between those two things in terms of which one we value more, but it certainly seems that we all do value both. And we need both.

I like to think of myself as a lover of change. I've had enough of it in my life that I ought to be a big fan by now. But courage is required to let go of the roots once in a while and try out the wings. I'm a cautious person, and that's okay. It's a good thing, really, unless I let caution become fear. Fear of failure or of being uncomfortable or of making a bad choice.

Today I'm deciding that this, 2013, will be my year of living thoughtfully. I want to pay attention to life happening around me and be intentional about how I live and speak and act. I want to live each day as the gift that it is, growing and loving well and learning. I want to record what I see, what I learn, what I'm thankful for, what affects me, what I feel, what is pushing me to become the woman God created me to be. This year I want to do more than tread water and let life's waves wash over me. I want to swim purposefully, even if I must correct course often.